On Helping Others Who Are Suffering
Taking the lessons we've learnt from overcoming our own struggles and passing them onto others who are ready is all a part of the "hero's journey" that connects us humans to our life's purpose. We’re here to help others, but how can we best help without doing more harm than good?
In helping someone, we often don’t actually know the lessons or internal struggles the other person is currently learning and dealing with. Too often, once we experience great results from an x, y, z dogma, we become so quick to shove it down the throats of others around us. No matter how amazing it might feel for you, no matter how backed by time-tested evidence (n=1 or not), and no matter how much it comes from a place of love and wanting others you love to feel the same, it’s irresponsible to do so. In fact, forcing things onto others is disempowering, actually fails to truly empower others, and can even repulse them.
Everyone is entitled to their own path. Not everyone is ready to embark on the same journey at the same time. If you really want to help others, you’d best learn to listen to them. Take yourself out of the equation and differentiate between what it is that YOU need vs. what THEY need. Express concern and be the pillar of support to let them know they can confide in you, but ultimately, just be of service, less talking and more listening.
Too often we embark on these “salvation projects” to mitigate our own suffering moreso than actually helping the other. Instead of helping them become healthier for their own sake, often we want them to get healthier to have them be around us for longer (so WE can feel safe, happy and healthy in the world), or so we can also feel seen and lovable. But by imposing your path on another, making the assumption that you know what’s best, you could actually be stunting their natural evolution and start to give advice not for their sake, but your own. Just because you’ve figured something out doesn’t mean it’s an appropriate solution for someone else’s life given their current state of consciousness (which develops at a different pace for everyone, at any age).
A curiosity-driven approach is a concept in early childhood education that enables independent child-led learning. No matter how old the other is, letting the other lead can be the most fruitful for both parties. Did the person actually ask for help? Give them straightforward answers. Don’t push more than what they ask for naturally, and don’t force your opinion onto them. How willing is the “other” to participate in the exchange?
Be honest with yourself. How much does the other actually want to change vs. how much do *you* want to change? The difference between service and dictatorship is the active willingness for the "other" to change. Walking the path for another is disempowering them, and power is everything. You end up robbing them of the experience and rich lessons they learn on their own. The struggle happens as part of a sustained and natural transformation: the more time you spend “figuring it out” and the deeper you go, the sweeter the reward. The more mistakes we can make, the more context we have, and the more we can navigate our own compass and actually operate sustainably from a real place of ease and integrity rather than force, with the capacity to step into our goals naturally, and with a deep, personal understanding of the "why". If an answer is forced before its time, the experience turns sour, and is often rejected altogether.
The more something comes from a place of force, like a chore, the more disconnected and dissociated we become from our body's wisdom. When we force things, we overlook the intelligent protective mechanisms that are in place for a reason, like not feeling naturally inspired to pick up on a certain habit that someone else is promoting. This is the difference between approaching things from a place of "I should do this" rather than "I want to do this".
Living in your power means making decisions for yourself, making your own mistakes and learning your own lessons. It doesn’t always mean you’ll make the best choice, but it means you’ll at least be in the driver’s seat of your own life. Without mistakes, we have no lessons, no context, and no map with which to navigate our compass. There are SO many destinations and winding paths in life, and no two paths are alike. The biggest gift you can give another person is to honour them as the star of their own show, the driver of their own car, as the self-determining and sovereign being on the naturally unfolding path they’re on.
EVERYONE WAKES UP AT THE RATE THEY WAKE UP
Reframe the situation and not only will you truly be of service to others, but also fuel your own personal transformation. Instead of thinking about things you assume they need to do, try thinking: “This person is suffering, how can I be of service to them?"
Without a doubt, one of the most challenging things to do is to be of service without getting in the way of the guidance of those you do want to serve. Being of service while respecting the other's sovereignty will likely get you to meet your darkest shadows in all the ways you often attempt to be a saviour, to manipulate and control the outcome. The lines between serving and saving, and serving and wanting to control can get blurry if you're not careful enough. This is an ongoing practice, but the resulting personal growth is invaluable and expansive for both giver and receiver. Try serving without an attachment to an agenda of what the outcome should look like.
If your intention is to help, you'd better learn to listen. When "health" is one of your biggest priorities, it’s easy to assume this should be the same for everyone. It’s definitely a valuable goal to have, but it is not the pinnacle of the human experience nor the ultimate destination in life. Everyone is highly bioindividual and from different environments, with different challenges, desires and life paths (even when being raised in the same household). Complex things like unresolved trauma keep people from feeling safe enough in the world to actually find the drive to want to be healthier. Forcing even the “healthiest” habits down their throat might do more harm than good, and they might even be stuck in self-sabotage mode due to trauma. By doing this you’re also implicitly telling them that they are not enough, and that your love for them might be conditional. What they might actually benefit from is your willingness to simply listen to what they need with unconditional acceptance and to love them exactly as they are.
Be mindful that your own needs can end up squashing someone else. Try not to project your own needs and beliefs onto them and instead try to offer to just be a pillar of support rather than trying to control the uncontrollable (ie. the life of another). Are you helping them for their own sake, or are you more concerned with stopping their suffering so YOU can stop your own pain from watching them suffer? If someone doesn’t want your help, let them be, as painful and challenging as it can be. Ideally, they will outright ask you for help or seek answers out of their own volition. What's more, if you're stressed out while trying to help them and constantly thinking of modalities and lifestyle changes that you assume they need, you could end up actually not being the solid pillar of support should they actually reach out to you and need it.
I know I was activated (in my own natural, divine timing) to explore all these new ways I could manifest vibrant health because of my willingness to read and consider what others had to share openly about their own experiences of transformation, and soak up information from passionate humans and their selfless service to apply some of it to my own life. Knowledge is power, and we ought to be more generous with it.
Many people are reluctant to reach out for help (often including myself), in which case you should feel free to reach out to them and let them know you’re willing to help them, but if the help isn’t wanted, or your efforts not reciprocated, back RIGHT off, and find it in your heart to simply love unconditionally, from afar if needed.
WHEN SOMEONE DOESN'T WANT TO CHANGE
Witnessing someone we love suffer is one of life’s greatest challenges, especially when they don’t want your help, or to “grow/change”. In times like this, try flipping this around and ask yourself how YOU can grow from this situation. Maybe you can exercise unconditional love, or learn to cultivate healthy boundaries since they're not in a receptive place.
If the situation is one in which the other person is harming you, your health or happiness, definitely take the opportunity to set some boundaries. Sometimes it is necessary to let "toxic" people go so you can protect your path and flourish. If the other person isn't harming you, this is your chance to cultivate unconditional love, without expectations or any need for the other to change, accepting what is from a place of surrender. Your ability to love another and forgive them without grudges or anger is a powerful way to help someone without harming yourself. "You cannot save anyone, you can only love them."
THE POWER OF SELF-WORK
Setting boundaries allows you the space to focus on self-work. This is far from being selfish: when you actually put the focus back onto yourself and do the self-work, the benefits ripple into the lives of others in powerful ways I can't begin to explain. It's cliché, but literally be the change you want to see in the world. Be the example, and you will inspire those around you in unimaginable ways.
I was raised in a society that loves to point the finger and blame on others to moralize and tell them that they should be "better". Think about it: chances are, this is nothing you can actually control, other than virtue signalling and the feeling of being part of an ingroup. Take a good hard look in the mirror, because no one is perfect. Look within, always look within. Often a desire to control others is a product of anxiety or trauma, in which case, that may be something to explore. Get to a place where you can feel safer in your body, have faith in the uncontrollable. Be empowered to make your own decisions and mistakes, contributing to positive change, and trust that others will be inspired by it along the way. Don't be afraid to directly express your authentic wants, needs, and values. Listen to your feelings, remind yourself of your own agency.
Are you contributing to chaos or peace? Is this magnetic? How does one feel over the other?
THE POWER OF YOUR THOUGHTS
Never underestimate the power of self-fulfilling prophecy. People often rise up to meet the expectations you hold of them in your mind, and repetitive narratives can easily become your reality. As the mind becomes rigid and your expectations of them become solidified, you can actually reinforce and perpetuate the situation. Examples of these predetermined beliefs include "he is an alcoholic", "she is selfish and careless", "I'm this age and that means I'm slowing down", "I can only do this because I studied this in school", "they never get their work done on time", "the world is ending", "they don't care about me", and so on and so forth. Even if the odds really are stacked against you, as soon as you let it in and believe it in your subconscious, you actually fuel this reality.
On the Pygmalion effect: “When we expect certain behaviors of others, we are likely to act in ways that make the expected behavior more likely to occur. ” — Rosenthal & Babad, 1985
Our subconscious mind is programmable and doesn't know the difference between fact and fiction. Thoughts and internal dialogues matter, and we emit a certain energy when we have faith in someone. This unseen energy touches the lives of people in ways the human brain may never begin to fully understand. Feeling sorry for them only weakens their energy field. How can you shift your thoughts to support them and shift the narrative in which they currently find themselves? In your personal time, try to send nothing but positive energy, encouragement, support and unconditional love to the person who is suffering. Have faith that they are able to transcend their current hardships, thrive and transcend their pain. This can also be a great tool to use when you've had to cut ties/set boundaries with someone "toxic" who has caused you harm, and you can genuinely help them from afar. This faith will penetrate them to the core, and plants a seed in the other which is watered every time you love them unconditionally. You don't even need to be around them for this to happen. Try it for yourself!
Be ridiculously optimistic. What are you giving your energy to? What kind of world are you co-creating?
